Vampire jokes, gotta love 'em. Vampires though, maybe not so much. We all know about Dracula and Nosferatu, and we've all seen Van Hellsing, the Blade Trilogy, or those Underworld movies. But what about some really old stuff? What about the Slavonic vampires? Well, today we're going to learn about a vampire that is so fierce and terrifying that he's able to kill simply by glaring at you.

Who, or what, is the Nelapsi

The Nelapsi is just about the most fierce Vampire you'd never want to meet. Why? Okay, let's see. First of all, he exists only to feed; there's absolutely none of that Machiavellian, ego-driven, take over the world nonsense with this guy. He just wants to drink your blood and feast on you flesh, and he does that, from dusk to dawn, every night but Saturday. Why not Saturdays? Apparently there's something holy about Saturdays which prevents the Nelapsi from rising from the dead. Or, it could totally be because he's exhausted from six days of eating everyone. It's hard work!

He also carries the Bubonic Plague. So, if you do manage to hide until the Nelapsi flees from the sun and retreats back to his grave for the day, you're going to emerge from your safe-space to find a village infected with the plague and you'll probably die anyway. Out of the oven and into the frying pan, right?

Finally, this dude is crazy strong and can kill you just by glaring at you; Medusa style. No, you won't turn into stone, but you you will 100% drop dead. Get caught in this undead Slav's line-of-sight, and you're as good as worm-food. The good news? He can be killed; more on that later.

Where does he come from? Where does he live?

The Nelapsi live in the cemeteries of the Slavic countryside and rarely travel into nearby cities. The earliest mention of this lunatic dates back to 1345, when a woman accused of being a witch was burned at the stake. Weeks after the execution, the woman returned to destroy the village; eating people and drinking their blood. The same year a similar attack happened in the small town of Cadan. In both instances the monster could not be killed by driving a stake through its heart. Why not? Good question. Ready for the answer?

The Nelapsi has two hearts. The villagers didn't know that. But they would have if they had only possessed a time machine. That way they could have traveled to the year 1706 and read Charles Ferdinand de Schertz's "Magia Posthuma".

Alright, I've heard enough. How do I kill this maniac!?

See that Kit? Absolutely nothing in it will help you. So don't order it on Amazon. What will help you is a badass attitude and a general comfort with death... with your own death, or at least the idea of it. Oh, and a virgin boy and an all white horse.

First step: find out where this Nelapsi is hiding out. No doubt it will be in your local graveyard, so that's easy enough.

Second: Alright, now you've got to figure out which grave is playing host to this blood-sucking abomination. That's not quite as easy. You're going to need a boy whose never had sex; so head down to the local High School and grab one of the kids from the AV department.

Next: you'll need an all white horse who has never stumbled... so... I don't know... call Gandalf?


Now put the virgin on the horse and trot him around the graveyard, making sure he steps on every grave. If the horse reaches a grave he refuses to step on, that's your Zelda: A Link to the Past moment.

Oh, Link, you crafty son of a Ganondorf. 

Finally: dig up the grave, pull the corpse out of the coffin, and set it on fire. Make sure you do this during the day, or else, well or else you're an idiot an you have no business hunting vampires let alone Nelapsi.

How do corpses become Nelapsi?

It's uncertain. The Nelapsi isn't, what you might call, a converter. If you're bitten by one, you're being eaten or you're having your blood sucked out of your body, you're not being transformed into a Nelapsi yourself. Folklore says that if you knock a coffin around violently before putting it into the ground, you'll "knock loose" any bad spirits that may be looking to possess the corpse inside. It's also said that if you sew the grave with opium seeds, the Nelapsi will be too sedated to rise from the grave, rendering it non-threatening.

So it seems that a Nelapsi is a form of undead created by a virus, if I had to guess. This would explain it's single minded focus on consumption and why it's so hard to kill. It also wouldn't need a heart if it was controlled by microscopic organisms; kind of like those zombie ants and that mind control fungus.


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